Yesterday I had an audition. I got up early because I just couldn't sleep. I spent the morning in a quiet place, reflecting. Auditions are a weird conundrum for me. Let me tell you why... I've recently started working with a vocal coach who is absolutely changing my world! We've been exploring the idea that a singer sings through a filter made of up everything they've ever been through. The ups, the downs, and the comin-back-rounds. I've come to realize through our discussions that I've had a "you think you're better than me?" chip on my shoulder for quite a few years now. This inferiority complex has lead me to feel like I have to prove myself. To you, to him, to her, to anybody and everybody. I suppose I'm only really trying to convince myself. I think a lot of us can admit that we might have a fear of falling short. Not being quite good enough. Or maybe being too much. How can I feel like I'm "not enough" and "too much" at the very same time?!
So we've talked and cried and healed in these lessons. And like most problems in my life I find myself remembering that this isn't even about me. I have been given a gift and it is my responsibility to get out of the way and let it flow through me. Whether a painter, pilot, poet, or pediatrician we've all been given a gift that the world desperately needs. Fear is an emotion caused by a perceived threat. The threat of death or rejection or failure. Maybe even the threat of success. If I write some great songs and get signed to a publishing deal they're gonna expect more great songs. What if I don't measure up? What if I go to that audition and actually get chosen for this project? Do I really have what it takes? That voice will never end if you don't squash it like the dirty, nasty, hairy bug that it is. Fear wants to paralyze you. It seems that the more important an action step is to our growth, the greater that fear will push against us. Fear is a bully.
So you have to push back harder. You have to get up earlier. You have to try, and fail, and try again. You have to practice more. Own your gifting. Get knocked down, brush it off, and come on back for more.
Even now the fear is badgering me. "Who are you to dish out advice, Nicole?" It's such a snarling, vicious voice. "Nobody cares what you have to say. Are you really going to post this nonsense?" But, in case you're hearing some of these same voices in your everyday lives, I want you to know that you're not alone. That you DO have what it takes.
This is why auditions can be a conundrum. Most people show up with the big question, "Am I good enough?", hoping to get a 'yes' that will put that ole voice to bed. It can be easy to forget that I don't actually have something to prove, just a gift to share. So I spent the week prior to this audition reminding myself of these truths. That FEAR IS A LIE. That there is no way to fail at this point. I prepared the very best I am capable of, I walked into that audition, and I put it all out there. I controlled the things I can control, and I let go of the things that are beyond my control. I think this is the simplest form of faith. Letting go.
As I prepared for the day I armed myself with a few weapons. I filled my heart with some scripture and I warmed my voice with a some prayer. Then I took a sharpie pen and wrote "fear" on the bottom of my cute wedge heel so I could squash that little bugger into the cold, hard ground. It was an exhausting day but it was worth it! Overcoming the resistance is ALWAYS worth it! What is holding you back? Why don't you take a sharpie to your old sneakers or your fanciest work shoes with whatever is holding you back. If you get into it as much as I did you might look a little funny a-twistin' and a-shoutin' but I'll bet you'll get to feeling pretty empowered!